Soft Skills Series Part 2: EMPATHY.

Recently, I had a conversation with a networking colleague about empathy. I said that I used to teach empathy, and they asked: “Can you teach empathy?”

It’s a question I’ve gotten for years. The short answer is ‘no’ but it’s a little more complex.

Do you mean as a subject (empathy itself), a verb (having empathy), an object or a noun (empathy is a thing), or a concept (to have empathy means…)? Then yes, you can teach empathy. I’ve even taught it as a formula (“when you hear ‘x’, you respond ‘y’”).

But can you teach it as something intrinsic, meaning I can see inside you like an x-ray and there’s a magical glow or no magical glow and I can say “a-HA! You do or do not have empathy!”. Can I tell you if you close your eyes and wish really hard, you can grow empathy?

That’s where the ‘no’ comes from. It’s weird for some people to tap into an emotion, even for a quick second, and that’s understandable. Double understandable if we’re talking about using empathy in the workplace as a core soft skill.

Still, understanding empathy and how to utilize it does help communication in the workplace become more efficient. You get more ^&%$ done if you feel heard, yeah?

So, all I’m going to cover in this mini-tutorial are the basics of empathy and give you actionable steps to practice. I make no claims; I make no determination of who you are. Remember, I do not have x-ray vision (YET). This is merely tied to experience teaching the concept for over a decade, and honestly, using the concept myself because a workplace where people feel heard, valued, and understood is important to me.

Welcome to Part 2 of The Career Perceptive by PGS Soft Skills Series: Empathy.

WHAT IS EMPATHY, EVEN?

This is the perfect opportunity to toss in a Webster’s Dictionary definition of empathy, because that’s what all good trainings do, right? Not gonna do that, sorry.

What I AM going to tell you empathy is: a flash understanding of where someone else is coming from, based on their circumstances, and understanding just for one second what it’s like to be in their place. You’ll know you felt empathy when you get a gut feeling of what I can only describe as “OH!” That’s it.

The other way you may hear it is ‘walking in someone else’s shoes’. True. I once did this in a training. I asked the group if anyone had my shoe size and would like to walk in my actual shoes. I had a brave volunteer who took a very quick walk around the training room in my fuchsia pumps. The exercise lasted no more than 30 seconds. After a standing ovation, I asked how they felt and they told me basically that it was uncomfortable, because they don’t like to wear heels; they were more comfortable in sneakers, which is exactly what they were wearing. But what they did enjoy was having done it and experienced it, even if it felt a little awkward.

That was the point. The myth about empathy is that you have to overly feel for the person, or it has to be this knock-down, dragged out hour-long display of feeling emotion or connection with the person. Not so. That’s where most people get it wrong when they say they don’t have empathy. The truth is all you need to understand is the other person’s position for one flash second. Or 30 seconds, wondering “how DOES she get around so fast in these heels?” and then jump out of them before you break your ankle.

WHY EMAPTHY IS HARD IN THE WORKPLACE

1.) We think it’s based on an emotional connection, and that can be too deep. I’ve often heard, “I’m not a counselor.” Correct. If you were not trained to be a counselor, you are not a counselor, nor should you try to be a counselor. Empathy is not counseling, nor should you be trying to dig into someone’s psyche. You’re merely understanding something from someone else’s point of view.

2.) We don’t want to get involved in someone else’s life. You’re at work. See the explanation in #1, oh…but look out for #3, because like I said, you’re at work, so…

3.) Work pace moves too fast; there are projects and deadlines. We don’t have time to spend on that ‘emotional trash’. Who has heard “this is work, not social hour”? While it’s true one should not spend their entire workday having social conversations, empathy is SHORT. Understanding where your colleagues are coming from not only increases communication, but increases connectivity, collaboration, and makes the pace more efficient.

4.) Compassion fatigue. This is a whole other subject for another article but in short, you may feel like “I JUST don’t have it in me to care for one more person.” Empathy is caring without overextending.

5.) We’re all over the world; hard to ‘feel’ with a computer screen between us. We’ve learned much in the past few years and in the next few, we’ll see a lot of technological changes, ending up in digital teams. So why bother to express empathy, right? Nope. You do not have to be in person to be able to make your colleagues feel heard and understood.

HOW TO PRACTICE EMPATHY

1.) Actively listen. This is going to be a big one from me and one you’ll see often. You cannot understand something from someone else’s perspective if you’re not actually listening to what they’re saying. If you ask a question and don’t understand the answer, then…

2.) Reflect and Check In. Let the person know you heard them by reflecting their feeling. “You’re excited!” Checking in allows you to make sure. “You’re excited about the promotion! Did I get that right?”

3.) Clarify. Sometimes we get it wrong. That’s what clarify is for. “I was feeling your excitement, but you’re saying your nervous about the promotion?”

4.) Respond. These are 2-way responses. In this situation, once the person clarifies why they’re nervous, let’s say because of new responsibilities, dollars to donuts you are going to identify with that feeling, causing you to respond, “I know what you’re going through; I’ve been there. It’s ok to be nervous.” That’s empathy, all-natural, no fillers or dyes, right there.

5.) That’s it. The conversation can go on from there, but in that moment, you, my friend, demonstrated empathy.

HOW TO FAKE EMPATHY

Just kidding. Don’t ever do that.